A letter to Jayden

Little bub,

I can remember the exact details of the day you were born. Actually, almost every detail from the moment I woke up at 4:30 am. Which was exactly one hour before I was supposed to be induced to the time you were laid on my chest 12 hours later (give or take a short nap after the epidural kicked in). I remember sitting in the rocking chair in your room before we left for the hospital crying - balling - because I was so H A P P Y  to meet you and yet so incredibly S C A R E D that I wouldn't be able to bring you into the world the way I "planned" to. I was scared that I wouldn't be strong enough, or poised enough, or calm enough. I was scared of the unknown - scared that something would go wrong. I was scared that the plans that I made for your arrival would not be followed. You will learn someday that your mama is a stick to the script kind of gal - I make a plan and I stick to it. But you, my sweet boy reminded me that just like the 270 days prior to this day - YOU were in control. YOU decided when it was go time - and despite the efforts of an eviction notice days prior YOU were not ready...until finally you were.

I remember laying in the hospital bed in our quiet delivery room surrounded by family listening to your heartbeat and feeling the contractions begin to get stronger - praying you would be as excited to meet us as we were to meet you...today..I couldn't believe it was actually happening. And just like that, exactly 12 hours after I woke up that unusually warm morning of February 24th, 2016 you were finally here. The full head of dark hair that required me to rely on TUMS like I was an addict. The not-so-little 8 pound 7 oz boy who caused me to doubt my strength for 25 long weeks. All 20.5 inches of your kicks to the bladder that made getting up 2390343948 a night to pee so incredibly draining. The little hands that used to hate the sonogram machine at our monthly and weekly checkups. The little nose that I remember so vividly from the first profile shot I got of you at our gender reveal. The little heartbeat that I thought had stopped beating after a scary wake up call at 2:30 in the morning at 13 weeks.

"He is perfect." Those were the first words that I spoke to you at 4:32 pm. In that moment all the sickness, pain, exhaustion, doubt, guilt, every single unwanted emotion that I felt guilty for having during the 38 1/2 weeks leading up to your birthday were summed up in those 3 words - He is PERFECT. I was terrified that because there were times, many times, that I downright hated being pregnant that I would somehow be punished during your arrival for having those thoughts. So many people would kill for the "growing pains" that I experienced with you. I felt guilty for not being grateful to be so sick. I was scared that when you finally arrived that something might be missing - that I would have missed the opportunity to form a bond with you while you were safely tucked away inside my belly. Boy was I wrong!!

Mama's boy - I did not know the depths of my heart until the day you were born, my love. You have stretched every ounce of my imagination as to what perfect means. You have the sweetest heart and you love to make other people smile. You dance when no one is watching and when they do - you put on a show. You are a missing piece of a puzzle that I did not know was missing.

Don't you just die for baby yawns??!

For the last 12 months I can't think of a better word to describe all the smiles, kisses, cries, late nights, early mornings, messes, trips, endless amounts of doubt and fear and love other than actual -unquestionable and in its purest form: perfection. I thank God every single day that he chose me to be your mom.  As much as your dada and I will try to protect you and guide your way, your life will not always be easy. I hope that the challenges that you will face in life will teach you valuable lessons on strength and perseverance. You are so very lucky to be surrounded by an amazing family with so much knowledge to offer you and I hope you soak in all you can every chance you get. You have taught me so many things in the first 12 months of your life: Clearly you are the boss - and I am O K with that! I have learned to let go of my need to plan every single little detail of our lives. (ok...I'm a work in progress) I have learned to embrace the chaos that comes along with being a mama. I celebrate getting to drink a warm cup of coffee, and look forward to the 6 A.M. morning snuggles in our bed on the weekends. I love watching you grow and wish I could freeze time and keep you my little boy forever. You are everything I dreamed of and more and I am so lucky to be your mama.

Thank you for teaching me a new meaning of  perfect.

I love you,
Mama.